Alcohol family. Alcoholism and family Dispute alcohol in the family with parents

In families where there is a drinking person, the focus of attention of other household members is focused on the problems associated with alcoholism, and this causes the main mistakes in the behavior of people trying to take care of the patient. Relatives need to overcome the psychological dependence on the harmful actions of the drinker. A wife or mother should stop fueling the alcoholism of her husband, son or father with her own resistance, control, and manipulation. These actions do not help, but only support the addiction.

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What should relatives not do?

In such a family, the drinker depends on alcohol, and his relatives depend on the alcoholic himself. This phenomenon is called codependency. The mind and soul of a codependent person are completely absorbed in the desire to control the life of another, and he is absolutely not concerned about satisfying personal desires and needs. This condition is no less dangerous than alcohol addiction.

In order not to provoke the further development of alcoholism, the relatives of the drinker should not perform certain actions.

Manipulate

Manipulation is the conscious placement of psychological “traps” and all kinds of tricks in order to subjugate the will of another person. For example, a wife prepares a delicious dinner for a man in order to achieve the desired behavior from him: “If you don’t drink, you will always have delicious food.”

But even if the manipulation achieves its goal and the patient fulfills the request of his mother or wife, the relationship is still overshadowed. An alcoholic, like any person, perceives such actions as violence.

Control

Control is an attempt to openly force a person to live as the codependent sees fit. It involves the desire to direct the development of events in such a way that the drinker’s relative considers the only correct one. As a result, the spouses and children of such people lose the opportunity to live at their own discretion. They seem to be writing a school dictation, while real life is more like a creative essay.

Another outcome of controlling behavior is that the codependent himself becomes its hostage. For example, the mother of an alcoholic son decides to quit her job in order to care for him and prevent him from drinking alcohol. But the son does not stop drinking, and as a result, the mother’s life comes under control: addiction limits her time, energy, and career horizons.

"Save"

One of the characteristic features of relatives of alcoholics is the desire for excessive care. It’s as if they were created to help the sick, cure their hangovers, and completely devote their lives to them. They satisfy the needs of the drinker even in cases where no one openly asks them to do so.

A codependent person may:

call your husband or son at work and say that he is sick (although the latter actually comes to his senses after heavy libations);
pay the alcoholic’s bills, pay off his loans;
call a taxi for the drinker, put him in the car and take him home;
do most of the work for him when only a small request was voiced.

But all this does not help the addict quit his addiction. This behavior encourages the alcoholic to continue drinking.

About the Karpman triangle

As a result, the spouse or mother begins to feel anger towards the addict. The latter also accumulates aggression and begins to show it. For example, when drunk, he may hit his wife. At this moment, the codependent moves to the next position of the so-called Karpman triangle - the role of the victim. She begins to be overwhelmed with feelings of regret and resentment.

Karpman triangle

Living with an alcoholic means being in a constant drama unfolding along the edges of this triangle. The change in roles is accompanied by changes in the emotional state. A person can remain in one of the roles from a couple of moments to several years.

A relative of an alcoholic must abandon the roles imposed by this triangle. He should understand that the other person is not helpless or irresponsible. The drinker should not be treated as if he is incapable of taking responsibility for his life. The codependent needs to learn to monitor the moments when he becomes a rescuer, a persecutor (aggressor) or a victim, and consciously refuse such behavior.

Keep silent about the problem

An alcoholic rarely admits that he has an addiction. And he doesn’t want strangers to know about this problem. A codependent often hides the actions of the drinker and in every possible way justifies him to others, which contributes to the worsening of the situation.

The best way out is honesty. Social pressure is often much stronger than accusations from loved ones. If the drinker’s inconvenience begins not to be caused by an annoying mother or spouse, but by a manager or law enforcement officers, then the desire to give up the habit that brings so much trouble may arise faster.

Taking the alcoholic's behavior for granted

Alcoholism usually begins with small incidents. These cases are justified by the fact that the person did not know what he was doing because he drank too much. Gradually, the alcoholic’s actions become worse, and their consequences become more severe. Before the relative realizes it, something irreparable can happen.

Therefore, alcohol abuse should not be acceptable in the family. After each offense, a relative of the drinker must take retaliatory actions aimed at punishing the alcoholic for his behavior. Examples:

pack your things and leave home;
throw him out of the house;
file for divorce;
call the police, having agreed in advance with the local police officer, who will voice several threats;
film the alcoholic’s behavior and show it to him when he sobers up.

Show aggression

One of the most common mistakes made by relatives of drinkers is blaming them for all their troubles. This behavior does not help, but only aggravates the situation. An alcoholic is a person with an altered personality structure, and his actions are not at all the same as those of healthy people.

It is necessary to curb fear and aggression, because otherwise the drinker himself will begin to show anger and convince himself that no one needs him. This could be a reason for a new binge.

Trying to cure the drinker yourself

Alcoholism is a chronic disease with fatal consequences. A person who does not have a diploma as a narcologist cannot try to treat him.

To stop abusing alcohol, an addict needs long-term professional help. The alcoholic is responsible for seeing a doctor. If the drinker does not want to be treated, then even formal consent to therapy will not bring the desired result.

How to survive in a family with a drinker?

To resist the behavior of an alcoholic, it is necessary to train the will. This happens through the development of the ability to concentrate. For training, choose any object: a picture or a burning candle - and look at it for several minutes, thinking only about it.

The main problem in the treatment of alcoholism is that the addict himself does not want to be treated, and loved ones are not able to arouse this desire in him. Therefore, the main task of a spouse, mother or other relative is to behave correctly with a drinker. From being domineering and despotic, the codependent must turn into a compliant and delicate person. And from a weak personality, overly tolerant of alcoholism, into a strong and strong-willed one.

To help the patient without wasting his own health, time and finances, a relative of the drinker should use the following advice from psychologists:

Advice	Detailed recommendations
Learn to protect yourself from stress	This advice especially applies to people who live in the same apartment with an alcoholic. To do this, it is recommended to relieve accumulated tension for 25-20 minutes using muscle relaxation exercises. Having taken a comfortable position, you need to calm your breathing and relax all muscle tension, transferring your attention from one part of the body to another.
Do auto-training regularly and praise yourself	To do this, a relative of an alcoholic can specifically come up with phrases that will indicate his value. It is useful for a woman to remind herself of what a good housewife and mother she is, an excellent employee of the company, etc. The prepared phrases should be repeated in the morning after waking up, in the evening before going to bed, and whenever disturbing thoughts arise
Pay more attention to other family members	In particular, young children should not be neglected. Otherwise, focusing only on the problems of the drinker will infringe on the interests of other family members. To prevent this from happening, you can visit a park, cinema or exhibition with your children on the weekend. It is useful to involve the most addicted person in these activities.
Expand personal potential, your own boundaries of what is possible	A relative of a drinker should work on developing self-confidence, acquiring personal interests and hobbies, and expanding the boundaries of communication. This will allow the individual to create internal support
Reduce the significance of a possible separation from an addict	A relative of an alcoholic needs to systematically ask himself the question of what kind of life he really wants, what may change in 5, 10 or 15 years, and what is the possible scenario for the development of events after separation. He must work to gain psychological and financial independence so that he is ready to make a decision and leave a destructive relationship at any time

A family hearth, a warm attitude from loved ones, a home where you are loved and waited for are the most valuable things for a person. the site offers to consider a serious problem - drunkenness in the family. This is the case when family life ceases to be comfortable.

What is alcoholism in the family?

This is a situation in which one or both spouses abuse alcohol. Living with an alcoholic is unbearable both morally and physically. Alcohol in the family brings suffering not only to the other half; the children of the drinker suffer great suffering. And this is not to mention financial problems, shame in front of neighbors, relatives, and acquaintances.

How does alcohol fit into the family? It's simple - remember a traditional wedding: the table is laden with dishes, alcohol flows like a river. It should not be surprising that such a start to “the ship of a young family setting off on a happy voyage together” leads to alcohol abuse in subsequent years.

Drunkenness in the family develops slowly, but inevitably leads to trouble. At first, the drinking spouse is not perceived as a problem; he is forgiven for occasional drunkenness, prolonged binges due to troubles at work, financial difficulties or creative torments. When the problem of alcoholism in the family is already serious, for some reason everyone is surprised how this could happen.

Forms of family alcoholism:

a man drinks;
a woman drinks;
both are alcoholics.

If your husband drinks

The most common situation is that the spouse turns out to be an alcoholic. The drunkard’s wife is not difficult to recognize: tired and tortured, she has long stopped taking care of herself. All efforts go into fighting her husband’s illness.

Alcohol in such a family becomes the main enemy; in order to overcome it, all mental and physical strength is spent. A woman sacrifices herself to save her unlucky husband. What's the result? No gratitude, but also reproaches, insults, and often beatings.

Few women decide to divorce, even if the husband drinks his salary, takes things out of the house, beats her and the children. It's a sad picture, but it's reality. Alcoholism in a family harms all its members. It harms society and the economy: alcoholics cannot work normally, they often get into accidents and accidents.

Half of the divorces in our country are related to drunkenness in the family. However, many women continue to pull this burden, providing for their children on their own and trying to save their husbands.

How to deal with an alcoholic in the family? First of all, you need to think about yourself, are you ruining your own life by trying to help someone who does not want your help? If there is hope, and you both believe that it is possible to solve the problem of alcohol in the family, be patient and act firmly.

A dangerous, but quite common step is to try to control your husband's drinking by sitting down to drink with him. By doing this, the wife not only will not help her alcoholic spouse, but she herself may become an alcoholic. Women get drunk faster.

If your wife drinks

This situation is less common, but more tragic. Many people believe that female alcoholism is incurable. This is usually the opinion of those who do not try to deal with this problem and help a woman who drinks. For some reason, in our society it is believed that drunkenness in the family is excusable for a man. For a woman this is unacceptable and is condemned in every possible way.

A husband has the right to leave his alcoholic wife, while the wives of drinking husbands try with all dedication to help their drunkard husband. It’s sad, but these are the realities of the destructive role of alcohol in the family.

Women's alcohol addiction is different. Representatives of the fairer sex carefully hide their unhealthy relationship with alcohol for as long as possible. However, in women, alcoholism develops faster and with relatively smaller portions. After 4-5 years, problems arise in the family. For men, this process can take 10–15 years.

How to deal with an alcoholic in the family if it is a woman? First, don't ignore the first signs of a problem. Secondly, do not leave a woman alone with her problem. After all, this is your soulmate, the mother of your children, the same girl who once won your heart.

Drunkenness in the family can and must be overcome! Today there are many treatment methods. Help a loved one overcome alcohol addiction, bring peace and tranquility back to your home!

When both drink

This is the worst thing. When both spouses drink, they do not notice anything else, they do not care about the well-being of their children, their own safety, or how they look to others. Such people have a complete idyll: he, she and the bottle.

This form of drunkenness in the family is difficult to cure. Perhaps, individually, everyone can cope with the problem, but together it is quite difficult for alcoholics to get rid of addiction. One will constantly “pull” the other to the bottom.

Forms of alcoholism in a family where both drink:

alcoholic-sociopathic model. Typical for couples whose parents also had addictions. Spouses quickly become drunkards, their house can become a hangout;
alcoholic-neurotic form. Husband and wife drink to relieve tension, come to mutual understanding, and find a common language. Or one person starts drinking, and the other joins him out of hopelessness;
alcohol-oligophrenia-like model. This type of drunkenness in the family is typical for people with low education and social status, and a lack of spiritual and moral values. At the heart of the problem are the alcoholic traditions of society.

Another harmful phenomenon that accompanies alcoholism in the family is the so-called codependency. This is a condition when the spouse, children, and parents of an alcoholic change their entire lives, adapting to the behavior of a drinking relative. Drunkenness in a family where there is a codependent person flourishes and gets worse.

Traits of a codependent personality:

low self-esteem;
confidence that she can control the drunkard;
denial of reality;
distortion of feelings (that alcohol destroys relationships in the family, the codependent blames himself, feels sorry for himself, suffers from loneliness, but is not ready to change anything);
excessive concern for others (such a person likes the role of savior, deliverer, nanny);
somatic diseases caused by constant stress, anxiety, exhaustion and overwork.

Consequences of alcoholism for the family

Alcohol abuse leaves its mark on the life of a spouse and their relationships. Systematic alcohol consumption in the family makes it dysfunctional. This form of family relationships is distinguished by the following features:

denying problems and maintaining illusions;
conflicts;
the rules and roles of family members have not changed for years;
maintaining pseudo-well-being, a “family secret” is carefully hidden behind external success;
the judgments and feelings of family members are often polar;
adults consider themselves masters of children, impose their will on them, and keep an emotional distance.

A child raised in a dysfunctional family, as an adult, can become addicted to alcohol and runs the risk of creating the same social unit. Children of alcoholics constantly feel guilty for their parents' drinking, they study poorly, have few friends, and spend a lot of effort on maintaining apparent well-being.

Drunkenness in the family is a constant financial problem, because an alcoholic risks being left without work or receiving little pay for unskilled labor. A drunkard does not allow relatives to live, work, and realize their potential normally.

Sooner or later, alcohol in the family leads to illness, disability or even death of the drinker. In this case, all difficulties in providing for children and supporting a sick husband/wife fall on the second spouse.

Treatment of alcoholism in the family

First of all, spouses must admit that there is a problem. Both the alcoholic himself and his environment (including codependent persons) must understand that there is alcohol dependence, and it must be fought.

How to deal with an alcoholic in the family?

Do not try to treat on your own, using traditional methods or without his knowledge.
Seek professional medical help (narcologist, psychotherapist).
Be patient and create a favorable atmosphere for the addict to recover.
Eliminate factors that may provoke a relapse (do not keep alcohol at home, refuse to drink alcohol, stop following alcoholic traditions in the family).

An excellent help on the path to sobriety is A. Carr’s book “The Easy Way to Quit Drinking.” She helps to select arguments for starting the fight for a sober life. The technique is useful at any stage of addiction treatment and allows you to constantly maintain motivation for sobriety.

Instructions

Recognize that there is a problem in your family if your spouse becomes dependent on alcohol. The more often and more he drinks, the further alcoholism drags him on. The behavior of such a man becomes different. Unreasonable aggression, addiction and indifference to important aspects of life become his constant companions.

Understand that if your husband does not want to fight his addiction, your family life will continue to get worse. Over time, your spouse will become completely impossible to rely on. If you have children, they will also begin to suffer from their father’s drunkenness.

Talk to your husband, calmly, but very seriously. Just choose the right moment to talk. Conversing with a spouse who is intoxicated or suffering from a hangover is not constructive. Explain to your beloved that you can no longer see how he is ruining his and your life, and offer your help in the fight against his drunkenness.

Support your husband if he agrees to treatment. If he cannot stop drinking on his own, you will need the help of a narcologist. There are many methods of treating alcoholism: using medications, hypnosis or psychological help.

Remember that if drinking alcohol has resulted in addiction for your spouse, he needs to stop drinking once and for all. There can be no talk of any restrictions. Reducing the dose is not an option. This way the addiction will not disappear and after some time it will gain new strength.

Promote a healthy lifestyle in your family. Find a hundred and one ways for you and your husband to enjoy evenings, weekends, holidays and vacations without alcohol. Let your husband understand that without alcohol he is not missing out on anything, but on the contrary, he is opening up a whole world.

Keep in mind that if your husband, like many alcoholics, does not recognize the problem and does not agree to treatment, your only option for living a normal, fulfilling, happy life is divorce. There is no need to sacrifice yourself to someone who does not want to fight the disease. This will not lead to anything good.

Know that by supporting an alcoholic who has no intention of changing his life, you are doing him a disservice. If you divorce your husband, this may be such a shock for him that it will allow him to reconsider his behavior and improve. Unfortunately, there are girls who do not understand this and continue to suffer, mistakenly considering themselves also involved in the fact that their husband began to drink. There is no need to overestimate your influence on the choice of a free person.

Don't pretend to be a heroine. It is possible that among the wives of alcoholics there are those who assert themselves at the expense of their unlucky spouses. Indeed, against the background of such a vice, their own shortcomings and weaknesses become completely invisible. And thanks to the daily feat that a woman living with a drinking man accomplishes, her other mistakes and blunders seem to be atoned for.

Alcoholism in the family

Family and home are the most precious things in every person’s life. It’s warm and cozy here, they love and wait here, they will protect and save you here. But, unfortunately, such a real family can be found less and less often, because maintaining it in modern living conditions is not easy.
Young active people are not inferior to each other, they are busy only with work and getting rich, and having children is no longer the meaning of family life. And in the pursuit of material well-being, people completely forget about their purpose, become irritable and weak.
Then alcoholic drinks come to the rescue to calm the soul. And if a husband and wife both start drinking, family alcoholism develops.
The house that husband and wife have been building together for many years can collapse in one moment. And alcohol is to blame for this. Many families are faced with the problem of alcohol addiction. And most of the divorces occur precisely for this reason.
Alcoholism destroys families
Alcoholism in the family is of particular concern. After all, children suffer from family alcoholism along with their parents. They suffer from constant nervous tension, from an excess of negative emotions, from their difficult fate, from malnutrition, from reproaches addressed to them, from an unhappy childhood and, the saddest thing, from parental beatings.
A child in an alcoholic family does not have normal conditions for proper mental and physical development.
In addition, a child born and raised in an alcoholic family may differ from his peers. After all, children of alcoholic parents, in addition to various complexes and internal problems, sometimes have external deformities and health problems, including diseases of the internal organs, brain, cardiovascular and nervous systems.
External defects can be in the form of improperly developed body parts or joints. It’s scary to imagine what could happen to such a child in the future. Will he be able to survive? And if so, will he be able to cope with his problems? Often, children of alcoholics live their short lives in a nursing home. An adult has the right to manage his own life as he wishes, but he does not have the right to condemn his child to torment and suffering. Before having children, you need to give up drinking! A child should not pay for the mistakes of his parents with his precious life.
Alcoholism in a family can develop according to three scenarios: the husband is an alcoholic, the wife is an alcoholic, or both spouses are alcoholics. The saddest and almost hopeless option is when the husband drags his wife into the alcohol pool headlong.
The most common scenario is that the husband is an alcoholic.
There is an officer's wife, there is an artist's wife, there is an alcoholic's wife. Such a comparison will seem strange, but each of these wives is honored for the patience that she needs throughout her life.
An alcoholic in the family is not dangerous only at the first stage of the disease. A husband can work at full capacity, relax with his family and lead a normal life, but all this will continue until the moment alcohol takes first place in his life. As soon as this happens, the usual way of life in the family will begin to collapse. All worries will fall on the fragile shoulders of the wife: the wife of an alcoholic, in addition to work and household chores, will have to bear all responsibility for the family, supporting it only at the expense of her own strength.
Naturally, the family’s financial situation will deteriorate sharply, and the wife will be forced to find additional work, which will entail a number of other problems. Children will now be left to their own devices; there will be no time or energy left for housekeeping.
An alcoholic husband will be constantly absent, drinking alcohol with his drinking buddies. And when he returns home, scandals will constantly break out between him and his wife. The husband will gradually begin to move away from his wife and stay “at work” more and more often. Often this scenario develops in the worst way: the occurrence of serious illnesses (including mental illness), loss of family, crime and prison, painful death.
When a person suffers from alcoholism, it is difficult for everyone: the alcoholic himself, his wife and children, the alcoholic’s relatives, his neighbors and colleagues, all those who live, work and communicate with him regularly.
Based on site materialshttp://kodirovanie-alkogolizma.ru/alkogolizm-v-seme
Codependency
It is worth paying special attention to those people who are close to the drinking person every day - these are his spouse, children, parents, friends. The constant presence of an alcoholic nearby leaves its mark on relatives, gradually their psychological behavior changes, they become codependent.
A codependent person is most often a close relative of an alcoholic, whose entire life and behavior changes and adapts depending on the behavior of the alcoholic. The prefix "co" in the word "codependency" means "dependence with someone." Codependency has the nature of a disease and corresponds to the pathological development of personality; it cannot but influence the codependent. In its own way, codependency for a loved one means abandonment of oneself, and is a painful condition for the entire family of the drinker.
Personality characteristics of a codependent person
Codependency leads to the fact that a person living next to an alcoholic begins to manifest all sorts of disorders: physical, emotional, social, behavioral, spiritual.
Low self-esteem
Self-esteem in the family of an alcoholic drops due to constant tension and negative emotions. They become completely dependent on the opinions of others, on relationships with other people. Codependents have increased sensitivity to the reactions of strangers to their problem. Low self-esteem makes codependent people want to help others in everything; by doing this, they want to win the love and respect of others, since they themselves no longer believe that they can be loved for who they are. You can constantly hear the words in their speech: “I must”, “you must” - this is another sign of low self-esteem.
The desire to control the lives of others
Codependents think and believe that they can control everything around them, manage the feelings of loved ones, and that they can control the use of alcohol in the family. To do this, they use: advice, persuasion, coercion, threats, point out the helplessness of a person or instill a feeling of guilt in their relatives. They invade the lives of other people, decide for them what to do, what to say, and do not allow loved ones to be themselves. But the inability to control uncontrollable events leads them to depression, and is regarded by codependents as their own defeat. And then they suffer, feel complete helplessness, see no way out and, alas, understand that their efforts are in vain, and they cannot change the situation in any way.
Denial of reality
Codependent people try in every possible way to ignore the problems associated with a loved one’s alcoholism and pretend as if nothing serious is happening. This behavior of codependents leads to the problem becoming even more acute. Self-deception, delusion, denial help codependents live calmly in a world of illusions, because the truth brings them pain. For relatives who are dependent on an alcoholic, it is easier not to think about it than to admit that someone in the family is suffering from alcoholism. And their endless attempts to hide or hide the problem make the situation even worse. And gradually, all family ties are destroyed between members of the alcoholic’s family, and “walls” of misunderstanding and alienation are erected.
Distortion of feelings
In the lives of codependents, the following feelings prevail: anxiety, shame, guilt that the alcoholic drinks because of them, self-pity, feelings of loneliness, depression, despair, apathy, disappointment, indignation, irritation, resentment, rage, anger, anger. But the main feeling that is present in everything is fear: fear of the unknown, fear of facing reality, fear of losing family, fear of expecting the worst. In addition, codependent family members have difficulty expressing emotions, and as a result, problems arise in communication and intimacy.
Showing excessive concern for others
Codependent family members show excessive care for loved ones. This concern goes beyond all conceivable and unimaginable limits. This behavior brings pleasure to codependents; they like to feel like a “savior,” to constantly help, care, pity, and treat. But, unfortunately, these efforts do not bring the desired result; the alcoholic continues to drink alcohol, and the terrible disease continues to develop. Codependents themselves provoke the development of alcoholism in a loved one, removing him from everyday troubles and worries, overprotecting him, they teach the alcoholic that “you don’t have to do anything yourself - your family will take good care of you.”
Acquired diseases
Codependent people very often experience health problems caused by constant stress, problems, excessive work - headaches, insomnia, bronchial asthma, tachycardia, arrhythmia, diseases of the stomach and duodenum, colitis, hypertension, neurocirculatory dystonia, neuroses, depression, passive aggressive behavior, increased anxiety - and this is not the entire list of diseases acquired by a person due to codependency.
Consequences of codependency for the family
In a family of codependents and an alcoholic, there is a breakdown in intra-family relationships. Family members are separated, they are not interested in each other's feelings and affairs. Relationships in the family can hardly be called normal: constant conflicts, scandals, growing negative emotions, harsh criticism and mutual accusations, alienation. There is also a “twisting” of roles, when, for example, children take on the role of an adult, the breadwinner of the family, which is too much for them, and adults, on the contrary, distance themselves from everything, trying on the role of a child. All this has a destructive effect on the family, and as a result, very often such families break up.
Despite the futile attempts of loved ones to correct the alcoholic, the situation is getting worse from year to year: the patient with alcoholism does not change, and does not even think about it, and the life and well-being of codependents worsens every month. Unfortunately, problems in the family cannot be solved on their own, but with improper behavior or inaction of relatives they can become even worse.
Codependency Treatment
The most correct help for a loved one who is sick with alcoholism is help, first of all, to yourself. Treatment of alcohol addiction should not be aimed only at the patient with alcoholism, it must also concern the family of the drinker. Curing alcoholism is impossible without positive changes in family members, because the more distorted the feelings and behavior of relatives are, the less help they can provide to an alcohol-dependent person. Involving relatives in therapy contributes to greater effectiveness of treatment and acceleration of the recovery process for a patient with alcoholism.
In order to cope with codependency, special assistance programs are used for relatives of alcoholics. They include:
- general educational lectures that reveal the essence of alcohol addiction and codependency of loved ones and ways to overcome them;
- group psychotherapy sessions aimed at uniting the family and restoring mutual understanding between its members;
- individual assistance from a psychotherapist to codependents with severe mental disorders, depression, who are unable to help themselves;
- family consultations.
Codependents only outwardly give the impression of being responsible and sensible people, but if you look closely, they are full of complexes and contradictions. Codependent people are very irresponsible about themselves, about their health and sacrifice their lives for the sake of a relative with alcoholism. Codependency changes people greatly, so if your loved one suffers from alcohol addiction, first of all pay attention to your condition and behavior. In order to help yourself and the patient in time, you must clearly understand where and in what ways you are codependent.
Based on site materialshttp://alku.ru/rekomend/sozavisimost-semi.html
There are the following reasons for drunkenness: Funerals, holidays, meetings, farewells, Christenings, weddings and divorces, frost, hunting, New Year, recovery, housewarming, sadness, repentance, fun, success, reward, new rank. And just drunkenness for no reason. (Robert Burns)
Who is to blame that you have no friends left, that your wife or husband left you, that your own children have turned away from you and don’t want to see you, that your career is in ruins and that only memories remain from your happily beginning independent life?
There is only one person to blame for all this - YOU YOURSELF!!!
It all starts with the fact that a person who has problems (and who, one might ask, doesn’t!) discovers that drinking and the accompanying atmosphere (communication with friends, drinking rituals, experiencing states caused by alcohol) - all this helps him cope with problems, to realize yourself, to experience new unusual sensations.
Men and women drink mainly because they enjoy the effects alcohol gives them. This feeling is so vague that, although they recognize its harm, over time they cease to distinguish between what is true and what is false. For them, the only normal thing is their alcoholic life. They become restless, irritated and dissatisfied if they cannot relive the feeling of lightness and calm that comes immediately after taking a certain dose of alcohol. At the same time, they see how others drink alcohol without harming themselves. After they again succumb to this desire, and many do so, the phenomenon of craving develops. They go through the well-known stages of binge drinking, followed by remorse and a firm decision not to drink anymore. This is repeated over and over again, and unless that person goes through a complete mental change, there is very little hope for his recovery. There are people who do not want to admit that they should not drink. They plan different ways to drink alcohol. They change the type of alcohol or the environment.
There are people who always believe that after a certain period of complete abstinence from alcohol, they can drink again without fear.
There are people who are completely normal in every way except their reaction to alcohol. Often these are capable, smart, friendly people.
From time immemorial, man has been and is looking for ways to please himself, alleviate his suffering, or otherwise hide from the reality that frightens him by using various intoxicating substances.
But, know this! Alcoholism is a serious chronic disease that leads to death and, in most cases, is difficult to cure. It develops on the basis of regular and long-term use of alcohol and is characterized by a special pathological state of the body: an uncontrollable craving for alcohol, a change in the degree of its tolerance and personality degradation. For an alcoholic, intoxication seems to be the best mental state. This urge defies reasonable reasons to stop drinking. An alcoholic directs all his energy, resources and thoughts to obtaining alcohol, regardless of the real situation (the availability of money in the family, the need to go to work, etc.)
To date, no therapy has been found that can provide controlled alcohol consumption. It is necessary to distinguish between recovery from alcoholism and abstinence from drinking alcohol, which for the most binge alcoholics can last for months and even years.
The main and permanent form of psychological support for all those who have embarked on the path of sobriety after a course of treatment are Alcoholics Anonymous groups, systematic attendance of which allows recovering alcoholics to deepen their mastery of the spiritual principles of the 12 Steps Program, which, embodied in their lifestyle, help them free yourself from pathological addiction to alcohol
Working on this Program gives you an understanding that “being sober” and “living in sobriety” are not the same thing. Almost anyone can become sober. The whole problem is to live in sobriety, truly feeling the joy of being.
What is Alcoholics Anonymous?
A.A. is a community of men and women who share their experiences, strengths and hopes with each other in order to help themselves and others overcome alcoholism.
*The only requirement for membership is a desire to quit drinking. Members of A.A. They do not pay any entrance or membership fees. We support ourselves thanks to our voluntary contributions.
* A.A. is not associated with any sect, religion, political movement, organization or institution; does not enter into polemics on any issues, does not support or oppose anyone’s interests.
* Our main goal is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve a healthy sober lifestyle. The core of AA is group meetings. In many respects, these meetings are so unusual that they can strike the imagination of a person not accustomed to them.
Strictly speaking, in A.A. do not “join”, and no filling out forms for membership in A.A. not required. Moreover, many groups do not even keep records of members. In A.A. There are no entrance fees or membership fees.
Each group holds regular meetings where members share their experiences with each other. As a rule, this exchange of experience is associated with the “Twelve Steps” recommended for recovery, and the “Twelve Traditions” recommended for relationships within the Society itself.
The 12 Steps program of Alcoholics Anonymous encourages you to accept your incurability and realize that you can only abstain from alcohol for the rest of your life, which can provide you with a return to normal life - but only if you never drink again. The most dangerous myth about the possibility of returning to controlled alcohol consumption nullifies all the good initiatives of those who have already managed not to drink for quite a long time.
Guided by the 12 Steps Program, you can and should learn to live with the disease at the level of conscious control, to live side by side, but on parallels that should never intersect.
What is alcoholism, according to A.A.?
As for A.A. members, most of them agree that alcoholism is a disease, and a progressive disease, from which it is impossible to recover completely, but which, like a number of other diseases, can be brought under control. Based on this, many members of A.A. They believe that this disease is a combination of physical susceptibility and mental dependence on alcohol, and that, no matter what consequences this disease may lead to, it is impossible to cure it with the help of willpower alone.
Alcohol addiction.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Take it seriously, even if you think it is still in its early stages. Alcoholism kills, and if you are an alcoholic and continue to drink, you will get worse and worse

FACTS ABOUT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS
1. Children of alcoholics/drug addicts are at greatest risk of becoming alcoholics/drug addicts or marrying someone who becomes an alcoholic/drug addict.
2. More than 50% of all recovering alcoholics. grew up in families where at least one parent was an alcoholic.
3. More than 30% of all children of alcoholics grow up and marry an alcoholic.
4. Children of alcoholics/drug addicts are often victims of cruel and abusive behavior, incest, violence, neglect.
5. In 90% of all cases of child abuse and abuse, alcohol and drugs are a significant factor.
6. Children of alcoholics/drug addicts often experience a number of psychological difficulties, including learning problems, anxiety, eating disorders (under/overeating), suicide attempts and suicide, and a compulsive need for high achievements.
7. Children of alcoholics/drug addicts often adapt to the unpredictability and chaos of a chemically dependent family. They develop behaviors that lead to low self-esteem, depression, isolation, guilt, and difficulty maintaining meaningful relationships.
8. The problems of most children of alcoholics/drug addicts go unnoticed because their adaptive behavior is most often socially acceptable, aimed at seeking approval.
9. No more than 10% of children of alcoholics/drug addicts receive help at present.
These and other problems often persist into adulthood.

There are different reasons for the development of alcoholism, but if one of the family members suffers from this disease, then it causes harm not only to him, but also to his entire family. The family of an alcoholic has different problems, the children, spouse and parents of the alcoholic suffer. Alcoholism is a problem of public importance, and not just the grief of one particular family. A drunk person is capable of committing a crime, getting into an accident, he does not fulfill his family and work responsibilities, which leads to dismissal and divorce. However, you should not immediately give up on an alcoholic. This disease, like any other disease, is treatable. First of all, the answer to the question of how to help a person overcome alcohol addiction worries his family members.

Reasons for drunkenness in our country

Ordinary everyday drinking can very quickly lead to alcoholism if it continues for quite a long time. This problem is so widespread in our country that as long as there are reasons leading to alcohol addiction, the fight against the green serpent will not end. Among the most common causes of alcoholism are the following:

Centuries-old traditions. For a long time, in our country, a glass of alcohol has been considered a base attribute of any festive or friendly feast. With the help of alcohol, connections are made, acquaintances are made, and appreciation or gratitude is expressed. A container of alcohol is a measure of heroic strength and masculinity. For our people, a non-alcoholic event is something incomprehensible, uninteresting and strange. Alcoholics and drunkards are frequent heroes of folklore. Many people are sure that alcohol will only make the holiday more fun. The attitude towards drunkenness and alcoholics is quite lenient.
Our media is full of advertisements for alcoholic beverages and cigarettes. Often, a drunkard becomes the hero of comedy series and films, which creates condescension towards people who drink. Even in films about courageous heroes, doctors, and the everyday life of the police, there are very often scenes with good heroes drinking alcohol. In essence, this movie is propaganda of drunkenness. Here are the reasons why our youth are brought up in the “best” alcoholic traditions. Even teenagers believe that the symbol of masculinity is the ability to drink a glass of vodka and not grimace.
Another reason for alcoholism is constant stress. Our lives are so fast-paced and stressful that after a hard day at work, some people prefer to relax and calm their nerves with a glass of wine or a bottle of beer.
Sometimes household and financial instability, problems at work and in the family, depression lead even a fairly strong person to drink. Thus, alcohol, which leads to discharge, gradually draws a person into drunkenness, and then alcohol dependence appears.
Promoting freedom in relationships between women and men. If previously the husband was the head of the family, he was responsible for the wealth and responsibility for the entire family, but now all responsibilities are transferred to women, and the husband may start drinking out of idleness and boredom. We can say that the family of an alcoholic rests on fragile female shoulders.

As you can see, there are different reasons for the development of alcoholism. The only question that arises is how to help the family of an alcoholic. At first glance, it seems that if you drink a bottle of beer or a glass of stronger drink with your family, this will in no way interfere with your marital and family responsibilities. But the problem lies in the harmful effects of alcohol on the entire human body. If a person has reasons to drink more often, then alcohol, in addition to its short-term effect, has a significant impact on the person in the long term.

Impact on the child

The family of an alcoholic is not the best place for any child, since he is the one who suffers first. Family alcoholism significantly affects the child’s psyche, and also leaves its mark on the following areas of his life:

Since the child cannot yet correctly analyze the situation and realize the real state of affairs, he develops the belief that in the future alcohol will not harm him. If adults convince a child that the behavior of an alcoholic father is normal, then in the future, against the background of a hereditary predisposition to ethanol addiction, this may contribute to the development of early alcoholism. The teenager begins to believe that alcohol is a means of maturity, and the earlier in his life the first taste of alcohol occurs, the faster he will turn into an adult.
The family of an alcoholic often experiences quarrels, scandals, squabbles and even beatings. After such scenes, the child receives psychological trauma for life. In the best case scenario, this will lead to isolation, intimidation, and cruelty towards one's peers. After an experience, only psychologists should help a child return to normal life.
Since the child does not feel the care of one or both family members, sees laxity and lack of discipline, he begins to study worse and skip classes. As a result, due to poor performance at school, the teenager cannot continue his education at a university.
A drunk person does not control himself and often becomes aggressive. As a result, the child sometimes receives not only mental, but also physical injuries.
Since the family of an alcoholic often needs money, which a drunken father cannot earn due to drunkenness or simply gets drunk, the child is often deprived of the benefits of civilization that his peers have. Thus, he acquires an inferiority complex.
Poor nutrition, lack of proper care and concern lead to the fact that children in such families are weak, sick and suffer from developmental delays.

Wife's behavior

The problem of alcoholism in the family is often associated with the husband’s drunkenness, but cases of addiction in the wife or drunkenness of both spouses cannot be ruled out. But first we will look at the most common case when a husband drinks. Since in such a situation it is the wife who can help the husband get rid of his addiction, the woman should know what to do if there is alcoholism in the family.

You should not talk or argue with your husband when he is intoxicated.
There is no need to forcibly take alcohol from him and hide it. This will only make him angry, which will lead to outbursts of aggression.
If the husband has severe withdrawal symptoms, this can even lead to death, so it is advisable to call an ambulance.
You should not reproach, blame or criticize your husband. So he will either begin to suppress his feelings of guilt with a new dose of alcohol, or he will aggressively defend himself, which will further alienate you from him.
The best moment to talk to your husband is in the morning, when he sobers up after yesterday's feast. Talk to him in a calm, gentle tone. Tell your spouse that you understand and sympathize with him, and that you are ready to help him get rid of his addiction.
Under no circumstances should you succumb to his persuasion and buy him alcohol for his hangover. It’s better to call an ambulance or help him get rid of withdrawal symptoms at home.
It is within your power to persuade your husband to begin treatment at a drug treatment clinic.
Be prepared to visit a psychologist with him.
Even if you destroy all the alcohol in the house, the addicted person will still find it elsewhere.
You shouldn’t nag your spouse every day about his alcohol addiction. Also, there is no need to turn the conversation into a hysterical scene or a humorous conversation. It is important for a sober spouse to calmly present the facts and set him on the right path.

Male and female behavior in a family of alcoholics

How to help the family of an alcoholic largely depends on which spouse (or both) suffers from alcoholism. In this case, there may be three options:

If the drunkard in the family is a man, then the wife will notice the problem almost immediately and begin to act immediately. However, women tend to solve the problem gradually. At first, she can simply talk to her husband about his behavior, sometimes make fun of him, hint that it’s time to call it quits. Later this can turn into quarrels and scandals. A woman will take real serious action only when the problem becomes significant. In such a situation, it may come to contacting a dispensary. This behavior, which is standard for many women, will provoke a husband to protest. In response to hints and quarrels, he may begin to demonstratively get drunk. And this will happen more and more often.
If a woman drinks in the family, the husband will pay attention to the manifestations of her alcoholism much later, and will begin to act even later. This is due to the fact that many men prefer to leave time to resolve the situation on their own. However, if a man notices alcoholism in the family, he will do everything to eliminate the problem in one fell swoop. Depending on financial capabilities and temperament, the husband may file for divorce, seek help from relatives, or insist on his wife being treated in a clinic.
The most dangerous situation occurs in families where a husband and wife suffer from alcoholism. In this case, only third parties can stop the drinking couple. These could be relatives, neighbors, friends, children, parents, simply caring people or society. The trouble is that drinking spouses are not able to appreciate the deplorability of their situation. In addition, in such a family, alcoholic spouses will stimulate each other to a lower fall and degradation.

Important: to effectively combat the problem of alcoholism in the family, it is important to identify this problem as early as possible. There are no compromises in this situation. Family and alcoholism are not compatible.

Psychological side of the issue

Alcoholism in the family is a way to attract attention. Judge for yourself:

The wife is trying to undress a drunken husband, put him to bed, and pick him up from the street. And when he’s sober, she doesn’t seem to notice him. As a result, in a sober state, it seems to the husband that his wife has begun to love him less, and that he is superfluous here. He ends up getting drunk to numb the pain of his perceived problem.
As a result, the subconscious often pushes the husband to drink, although this does not solve the problem itself. At the initial stage, this is a purely psychological issue, and dependence appears later.
The fact that a drinker derives pleasure from drinking an alcoholic drink is solely a chemical component of the problem.

Advice: if you start the fight against drunkenness at the initial stage, the effect will be noticeable immediately. It is enough for a woman to show more love to her husband, help him in everyday affairs, ask for help, and then praise him for a job well done, give him a compliment. As a result, the relationship will improve, and the problem of drunkenness will disappear by itself.

Often the wife herself sometimes incites her husband to binge drinking. It's all about our craving for rewards, that is, if you did something right, and others noticed and approved of it, you get pleasure. Next time you'll want more fun. Now a specific situation: a wife left her alcoholic husband to stay with relatives, he, in turn, stopped drinking for a while and did everything (flowers, compliments, gifts) to get his wife back. Thus, she received a reward for doing the right thing. But after returning to her husband, she no longer receives a reward for correct actions, because her husband does not drink. As a result, on a subconscious level, she provokes her husband into another binge. After this, history repeats itself.

Further actions

If you still managed to put your husband on the right path, after the situation normalizes, it is important to adhere to the following actions:

Forget the difficult period of his life and don’t talk about it.
Remove all alcohol from the house. Even on holidays, feasts should be non-alcoholic.
Find interesting things to do together.
Spend your free time together, go hiking.