Women who love violence. Should you listen to a woman or take without asking? Do women like being taken by force?

“Capricious and spoiled boys engage in violence all the time. Another thing is that girls are silent. If only because if you are capricious, spoiled, and have influential parents, a girl will not be able to prove or do anything.”

Kostya and I have been friends since we were 11 years old. Kostya is from a wealthy family. Mom is the head physician of the hospital, dad is educated at MGIMO. They also wanted to send Kostya there, but he actively resisted and went to the Chemistry Department of Moscow State University.
Kostya is lucky with the girls. In general, Kostya is cool. He can tell a banal joke in such a way that you laugh and wipe your tears with your sleeve. He is interested in photography and we often go with him to the Moscow region to take photographs. He finds interesting places, some old estates, abandoned houses.

Yesterday I met with Kostya and discussed the girl he likes now. Kostya is very interested in her: she is a high-status, beautiful girl (long-legged blonde, Kostya always liked those), but at the same time modest and shy, studying at the journalism department of Moscow State University. Kostya believes that shyness is a tactic to attract men. He says that people like these are especially popular now; punchy blondes are not in fashion now.
“I’m so jealous of her that it hurts my teeth,” Kostya confesses, “but she doesn’t seem to understand this.”
“She plays with me, and I don’t like when they play for a long time,” continues Kostya.
- So what does she want? - I ask.
- Who knows? She introduced me to her friends, and we walked, holding hands, like two lovers. But I’m a man, I can’t take this long, you know? We are people of action, we will not walk for a long time holding hands. And when I start hinting at sex to her, or move on to specific actions, she freezes. How long can I last like this?
- Why did you press into her? Switch your attention to another object if the girl is at that age when she needs walks with you on your arm, rather than a bed. Maybe she actually wants to show you off to her friends rather than be with you?

And then Kostenka looks from the TV to me, turns purple and says in a whistling whisper:
- So, she's deceiving me? Then I'll have to check it for lice.
- How is that? - I ask.
And then an ugly smile appeared on the good-natured face of my friend and good guy, which I had never seen before, and he said a phrase after which my vision of this world was shaken.
“If she doesn’t give it to me voluntarily, I’ll take her by force,” my friend told me.
And then Kostya turned away with an indifferent look, as if this was a normal occurrence for him.

I returned home, and this voice of his haunted me: “I will take her by force.”

I thought that had I really always assessed criminals incorrectly? For me, a rapist is such an evil guy-maniac, like an exhibitionist, who is interested in spoiling girls, and who should be kept either in a maximum security prison or in a cage, and shown to little boys so that they don’t take an example from him. And then it turns out that a good guy, my friend, can become a rapist because he thinks that the girl is deceiving him.

Men, is it really one step from misunderstanding to violence? Is it really easy to commit a crime?
Women, have you encountered a similar phenomenon? Do you think that there is a rapist inside every man, even if he is kind, sweet and charming?

Elena M. Moscow

“...The fact is that 7 years ago my husband died and I have a child. I work, I earn good money, in short, I’m independent, I don’t need anyone. It so happened that all these years I have not dated anyone, despite the fact that many people like me and look good. One day two weeks ago, at work in the office, we were celebrating my friend’s birthday and an acquaintance came to see us; he doesn’t work with us, but we work in the same field. He sat down next to me and began to look after me, not even touching my hands or legs much, I dodged him as best I could, I didn’t want to swear, especially in front of everyone, he’s just a very influential person. After this evening, he began to often appear exactly where I was. One evening, I was sitting at home, he called and asked to meet, like talk. I went out to talk, got into the car, talked about nothing. I somehow relaxed, evening, day off. He said that he wanted to take me around the city, I agreed. We drove, laughed, talked, felt it, and in the end it turned into something unclear and..... I didn’t understand what it was, he just didn’t let me say his word, he attacked me when I jumped out of the Car, I even started bleeding there was a dress. I took him home calmly, I didn’t say a word and left. And he just disappeared. I haven’t slept for a week, I haven’t eaten, I’m embarrassed to tell anyone, and even if I tell anyone, they’ll say it’s my fault and he’s very influential. He just acted like a fool and didn’t even ask for forgiveness. Everyone has always respected me and had a very high opinion of me, but now I have the feeling that since I’ve been single for so many years, it means I’m easily accessible.”

I would like to draw your attention to a few points. The first is the fact that stops the victim from going to the police. This is the same “why did you get into the car if you didn’t want anything?”

Both the criminal and the victim, and you and I understand that this fact will really raise questions, both from the police and from society, if the story becomes public. A woman will definitely be asked this question, insisting that she “wanted it herself.” However, it is important to emphasize one nuance. If the girl really wanted something, then it was definitely not violence.

She might have wanted kisses under the moon. Or confessions. Or marriage proposals. Or a wonderful night in a hotel, full of affection (I admit that she might have had such a thought). Or just a private conversation. What I got was a dirty and painful use of my body, feeling like a thing worse than a doormat. She suffered both mentally and physically, and she did not give consent to this either verbally or mentally.

To think that if a woman gets into a car, then now you can do whatever you want with her because she supposedly agrees - a crime. It’s exactly the same crime as inviting a person for an interview and, on the basis that he showed up there, taking away his passport and using him as a slave. He came himself!

There is no crime in offering sex to a girl who agrees to a car ride. That would be hypocrisy. But rudely and with the use of force, despite the clear refusal to take possession of her body, this is a clear crime.

Why didn’t the “big boss,” an intelligent and influential man who knows his way around society well, talk to the girl, invite her to meet her, and even ask her exactly how she loves, but simply brutally rape her?

Here the ears grow from another myth, which is very tenacious in our society. This is a myth that a woman cannot express her consent, and never expresses it (apparently because she never wants sex). The myth is that a woman needs to be “pushed”, pushed, forced, or at worst simply taken by force, which is what the man did. That is, he could not even imagine that it was possible not to “push”, not to force, but to make love by mutual consent. After all, otherwise, if he really considered himself a rapist, he would prefer to get rid of the victim and the evidence rather than take her home.

The terrifying myth that “no is yes” is sometimes supported by women themselves who are afraid to express their desires openly. But it’s better for a man to remember that it’s better to leave one smart-assed little one without sex than to rape one innocent girl. One can't help but wonder if the controversial mandatory consent laws passed in Sweden, for example, or, more recently, Spain, aren't so controversial after all. After all, some may interpret as consent the fact that the girl is not running away quickly enough. Or he doesn't scream very loudly. A clear “yes” is better.

And the third point that allowed the man to act so basely and vilely was his confidence in his exceptional permissiveness. Still, the voices of feminists and victims of sexual violence are still very weak in our country. Much weaker than the voices whitewashing the rapist. Therefore, the scoundrel knows very well that the majority of society, if anything happens, will be on his side. And the victim will not run to the police - he will be afraid of condemnation. And this is the worst thing.

We take a woman who we LIKE
we take at the end of the working week,
we take it in the literal sense - we catch it on the way out of work.
Warm and tired...
No, of course, she will resist, be capricious,
try to run away - we don’t listen! It hurts.
We use brute male strength, gently under the elbow,
we put you in the car, poke a bouquet of flowers in your nose,
We cover our mouths with chocolate... Kiss on the cheek.
And we secure it tightly with a seat belt so that it doesn’t jump out.
She chews chocolate for about 10 minutes and realizes what is happening.
During this time she will calm down and even stop snorting...
Maybe.
And perhaps he will even start laughing and flirting...
Let's not relax! We do not succumb to women's cunning and charms.
And under no circumstances are we taking her home... To her...
We're bringing you...
There are exactly 10 minutes for her to come to terms with the inevitable...
Well, you can tell her about your teddy bear collection,
which I collected especially for her as a gift.

Or - about the fact that I recently found a Kandinsky print,
which she definitely must see...
At home... No, not quick sex on the table...
No, not mulled wine with Vivaldi...
Yes, a hot bath, BUT! Without chanson and pop.
Add a few drops of aromatic oils to the water,
smell to taste...
How to lure her there is not a problem...
You can offer to look at the hamster that lives
under the bathtub, you can again use brute male power,
but there is a risk that she will emerge and leave like a wet cat
home by taxi... Forever...
You need imagination, everything is in your own hands!
Moreover, she already understands everything.
All our men's efforts and efforts...
Now, attention!
The most important thing is to leave her alone for 15-20 minutes...
Let him lie down, let him soak in the oil, let him forget about
that you need to be strong, proud, independent...
Let him just rest...
Bring a glass of juice if you really want to peep...
At the same time, check whether she will use a tube of toothpaste or not...
No? Excellent, almost tamed,
you can proceed to the next stage...
Take regular Johnson oil for babies, add
a little aromatic in there, take out the relaxed one
creation into the light of day and begin to vigorously rub it
this very mixture...
I guarantee you will be taken aback!
And he will not only be taken aback, but will also begin to take a closer look at you
take a closer look...
Then he will spit on scraps of rationality
and will give himself completely into your hands...
Attention!
Don't relax! No distractions!
Do not linger on convex places!
Thoughts and desires - in depth!
At the moment - a massage therapist. Dot.
Quickly wrap her in a terry sheet so that she doesn’t have time to
notice how much you don’t want to be a massage therapist...
pick him up and go to the bedroom...
He won't resist, I guarantee...
Well, let's see next...
Or - I want sex for a couple of times,
or - relationships for more...
In the first case - immediately have this very sex,
without delay...
In the second...
Oh..., in the second... - lay her in a ball on your shoulder,
pat him on the head, kiss him on the cheek and let him sleep...
“My little one”... And it doesn’t matter how old she is,
no matter what her height/weight is.
None of this matters!
Now she is a little girl, she is protected, she is calm,
she is glad that she doesn’t owe anyone anything, that she doesn’t need anything
hurry up and be afraid of no one...
You don't need to be an excellent worker, an exemplary mother,
a good friend... You don’t even need to be a mistress now...
Do not need anything...
At all! Well, that is - absolutely!
You can just get some sleep... Just fly in your sleep...
And - it doesn’t matter how long she sleeps - an hour or all night...
Turn off the phones, let her be little...
When she wakes up, she will wake up happy!
And then you can decide what you want: sex, friendship
or just hot sandwiches...
And when she finally leaves and, perhaps, will drive in again
her own nails, she will again be proud and independent,
just know that it's just a role
strong and independent woman...
But in reality she is a little girl
who snorts funny in her sleep
and smiles at the rainbow...
And her eyes are like the sky.
So bright and happy...

Deep down, every woman dreams of being subjected to a powerful onslaught from a man - naturally, in these dreams it is not the stupid, boorish plumber Uncle Vasya that appears, but a cool superman like Bruce Willis.

WITH And soft hands that cannot be resisted, the heavy breathing of an excited beast and a fierce battle in which he, assertive, domineering, persistent, wins - each of us has replayed this scenario in our heads many times with certain variations. Hollywood is resting!

Psychologists say that most often women who experienced a lack of fatherly love in childhood think about this. I can’t agree with this, because before my eyes is an example of a friend from a quite prosperous family, in which the parents carried each other in their arms and blew away specks of dust from their daughter. She idolized her father, quite rightly, however, but in her diary she described how a yard bully took her by force. I had a chance to read these entries - it’s something, I tell you! I, a very experienced girl in love affairs, could not even read many moments, because my hair stood on end! The bully never found out what opportunity he had lost, and the girlfriend soon happily married a successful businessman and settled down at home. She continues to dream about the onslaught that she wrote about in her diary, only now the hero of her dreams has become her husband, to whom, of course, she does not admit this,
But in vain. Because feeling strong passion with your beloved man is double pleasure!

Maybe we dream of becoming victims of this kind of action because only in such moments can we feel like real women - weak, fragile, sometimes helpless? We are so tired of playing the role of strong, self-confident, self-sufficient ladies that sometimes we want to throw off this mask of emancipation and completely surrender to the power of the wild, uncontrollable elements of male lust! Swim in the stream of bestial passion, feeling like a toy in the hands of someone who is stronger than you.

What about tenderness? - some will ask. I personally don't mind tenderness. But sometimes you just want unbridledness and primitive savagery, you want to resist and be defeated in a man’s arms. I want to obey a man, feeling powerless to change anything. Just surrender to this hurricane of passion that sweeps away everything in its path...

If men in life were men, and not wimps and mama's boys, perhaps we would have different dreams. But, alas, most representatives of the stronger sex are not able to take a woman by force, their primitive instinct has gone limp, fallen asleep, and atrophied. When I told my MCH that I dreamed of being taken by force, he was shocked, deciding that I had gone crazy because of viewing sites with three “x”. From that moment on, our relationship became cooler, and then completely withered away. He decided that I was a pervert.

However, I am still quite a young interesting woman , and quite possibly, my overbearing superhero is somewhere waiting for me to make my dream come true. I foresee indignant comments, but grandfather Freud agrees with me. You won’t argue with Freud, who knew a lot about female sexuality?

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Elena Malakhova

Sexologist, psychotherapist

Do you know why films with elements of sexual violence are especially popular? “50 Shades of Gray”, “Diaries of a Nymphomaniac”, “Tie Me Up” - the premiere screenings in cinemas were sold out. I myself attended one of them out of professional curiosity. Among the spectators there were people of different ages, but mostly women. Why is the topic of sexual violence so attractive to them?

While counseling a wide variety of patients, I found that for every second of them, the scenario of sexual violence was relevant and desirable. Why? They themselves could not explain it. It just excited them. But they interpreted the very concept of “violence” differently.

Make-believe violence

50 shades

Women who came to a sexologist’s office with their problems would like to submit to a man both in everyday life and in bed. But their decent, liberal and modern husbands, as a rule, could not give them this. And ordinary sex in the traditional version seemed insipid to these ladies.

Those who like submission in sex have certain characteristics of psychosexual development. For the most part, these are infantile women who specifically go through stages of development of their sexuality and get stuck in the platonic phase (the stage of falling in love, spiritual intimacy). They have no idea what they want from sex and relationships.

Their model of behavior was formed under conditions of strict upbringing in the parental family and various taboos. As a rule, these are girls who grew up in conditions of emotional deprivation. Families of this type are called closed. They do not exchange information with other communities, avoid any contacts, reducing them to formal ones, and carefully protect the internal space of the family from outside interference. Such family systems have their own rules and a strict hierarchy of power. As a result of numerous prohibitions and silences, the girl does not have the correct model of sexual behavior or it is greatly distorted. The main message of the parents to the child is “be an obedient girl,” which she successfully implements as an adult. She wants to obey, to obey. Pain, pleasure and love are welded into a single conglomerate in such women. No pain means no love.

Secretary

Often women, when fantasizing about violence, confuse the concepts. What they really want is not actual sexual violence, but rough, expressive sex. Remember the Australian film “The Little Death”, where the heroine of one of the stories asked her man to take her by force. And when he hired actors dressed as robbers for this, she got scared and backed down.

What is the difference between sexual violence and rough sex with elements of violence? Violence is forced sex. And when your fantasies come true, even if they contain elements of hardcore, then this is sex by mutual consent.

When we talk about the BDSM subculture, we are not talking about sexual coercion at all. There is even a special sign indicating “stop” - I can’t do it anymore, stop. It's funny that group psychotherapy also has such a stopping sign. And the presenter at the first session must report it. It is used if the participant is not yet ready to talk about something, the topic is too painful for him. There are a number of rules that clearly regulate the behavior of the “master” and the “subordinate”.

How normal is it to have such addictions and preferences in sex? It all depends on the severity of the manifestations. If we are talking about elements of violence - handcuffs, slaps on the buttocks and other fetishes, then this is rather a game that allows you to diversify long-term sexual relationships. If a woman likes to be beaten, tortured in a sophisticated manner, and without real pain she cannot enjoy sex, then we are talking about sexual deviation.

Violence for real

Red Riding Hoods

Let's remember the plot: the mother persistently sends a little girl into the forest alone and puts a red cap on her head so that the wolf will definitely notice her. And the girl walks alone through the dark forest to her grandmother, who lives on the outskirts with the door open, waiting for adventure...

Many psychotherapists, psychoanalysts, and even Eric Berne himself have dealt with the psychological interpretation of this plot. The hidden meaning of this fairy tale is that “Little Red Riding Hood,” violating official prohibitions, provokes a man into aggression and bad deeds, as if asking for punishment. As a result, the man, aka the “wolf,” being led into provocation, himself becomes the victim of the hunter.

The “Little Red Riding Hood” scenario refers to one of the manifestations of victimization. Victimization (from Latin victim - victim) is behavior that automatically puts you in a risk zone, making you a victim of external circumstances. Often this provocative behavior is reproduced on an unconscious level. It is these women who most often become victims of real rape. Of course, blaming the victim is a terrible sin (she had the right to walk at any time, anywhere and even in just a hat), and everyone will condemn and even punish the rapist. But this will not make it any easier for the victim.

The origins of this behavior, of course, lie in the family. As a rule, “Little Red Riding Hoods” are girls who grew up without a father, and the mother was so preoccupied with the organization of her personal life that she did not dream of sending her daughter away to the “forest”. Accordingly, the girl was unable to receive love and attention from the family and form the correct behavior patterns. Therefore, “Little Red Riding Hood” deliberately attracts attention to itself. In her mind, there are two fairly straightforward concepts of love: “to love = desire” and “to love = to regret.” Therefore, this tale could not do without the notorious Karpman triangle: victim, pursuer, rescuer. The victim is “Little Red Riding Hood” (a woman